Saviour catching a bolt

"On steroids" has got to go!

I often wonder how many more times in the media I'm going to hear some interviewee describe something bigger/better/oversized as being "on steroids"? This has to be one of the most overused phrases in use today and it's high-time that it be given the last rites. When the Hummer first came out I heard countless times that it was like an SUV on steroids! This new super giant airplane is like a 747...on steroids! The I-Phone is like a regular cell phone...on steroids!!! Come on, people, enough is enough, think of something new. And doesn't this rather flippant comparison of something being on steroids set a bad example for young athletes, especially since our society is trying to discourage their use? Here we have performance-enhancing drug controversies all over the world of sports, from baseball and the Roger Clemmens debacle to the Olympics to the Tour de France...and we think using the term on steroids is...funny? It isn't. Find something else to say, folks, the phrase is simply worn out...and worse...it's in bad taste.

Breaking "Wind"

Okay, it came out last week that Patrick Swayze is fighting pancreatic cancer. I was sorry to hear this because I've always liked Swayze ever since first seeing him in The Outsiders, then Dirty Dancing, and finally Ghost. I don't know, there's just something extremely likeable about the man (even though it will be a cold day in Hell before I waste any part of my life watching the train-wreck Too Wong Foo, Thanks for everything, Julie Newmar, where Swayze and Wesley Snipes appear in drag...a film which, unfortunately, started Swayze's downward career spiral). HOWEVER, the song he recorded for Dirty Dancing called She's Like the Wind has ALWAYS been HORRIBLE!!! Swayze simply cannot sing and as well as the song's lyrics being ridiculous ("She's like the wind...in my trees... what?!) he is all over the tonal map, singing off-key, straining to reach certain octaves...it's terrible and I never could understand WHY that song ever received as much airplay as it did. But now...NOW...with Swayze battling cancer and the potential for his life to end prematurely we are going to be inundated with She's Like the Wind at every turn. I noticed the beginning of this trend this very morning when I got woken up to it when my radio went off. Sorry radio stations of America...She's Like the Wind....BLOWS!!!!!

The Godfather on AMC

As Bill Maher would say, New Rule: AMC should change its name to The Godfather Channel. They have been showing The Godfather Trilogy or some part thereof every week for at least the last five fucking years. Sometimes they run The Godfather TWICE in one day!!! Now, yes, The Godfather is a great film, anyone with half a brain won't deny that, but COME ON, FOR GOD'S SAKE, with the thousands of great classic films in existence WHY OH WHY must they continually play The fucking GODFATHER so damn much???!!!!!! ENOUGH ALREADY!!!! GIVE THE FILM (and the viewing public) A BREAK!!!

Miracle Manna & Fake Fire

I was awake this morning from about 4am to 5am and decided to watch a bit of TV until I got sleepy again. While channel surfing, I came upon the most bizarre and ridiculous infomercial I have ever seen. This supposed "reverend" was touting a product called Miracle Manna and was claiming that God Himself had given him the recipe for this bread product and that it would bring miracles to any person consuming it. He went on to say that the "manna" was "baked in an oven made of bricks over 200 years old imported from the Middle East", as if this is an essential "ingredient" to the production of this miraculous bread. I was laughing my ass off by this point. I thought that the "prayer cloth" that I got in the mail a few months ago was the lowest that these religious nuts could sink in trying to make a few bucks from nonsensical Biblical crap, but NOOOOOO!!!!! Now we have MIRACLE MANNA, a product GUARANTEED to bring you miracles in your life OR YOUR MONEY BACK, a product the recipe for which was handed down by GOD HIMSELF to this ONE preacher. GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!!!! And I thought Robert Tilton and Benny Hinn were shameless! And to make the situation even FUNNIER, this man's name is Reverend PETER POPOFF!!!! Oh, dear LORD, I LOST IT!!!!! His name sounds like a sex toy!!! I have never laughed so hard at so much complete and utter BULLSHIT!!!

Something I caught while surfing was a few minutes of nut-job Pat Robertson's 700 Club, which is always good for a laugh. There ol' Pat was, passing out miracles wholesale, with that ridiculous fire burning in the background producing that warm, comforting atmosphere. But I noticed something odd about that fire. I stared at it for awhile and realized that not only was the fire fake, but it wasn't even FIRE! It was that type of fire that you see in those flame pots at places like Spencer Gifts and Halloween Express, the fire that's made of fabric pieces cut into the shape of flames that has an orange light shining up from beneath and a fan blowing it around to make it look like real flames. I always figured that the fire was probably a gas fire with fake logs, but NEVER did I think that they would be THIS CHEAP!!! Needless to say, I shook my head and proceeded to laugh uncontrollably! Fake fabric fire. Oh, Jesus H. Christ!

Increasingly hilarious obituaries

I've noticed over that past few years that the obituaries in the local Charleston Gazette have gotten increasingly creative in the way they inform readers that someone has passed away. It used to be standard procedure to simply say, "Mr./Mrs. Jon/Jane Doe died on such-n-such a date after a long/short illness", and that was it. But the phrasing of the death announcements have gotten increasingly funny of late and I feel compelled to share of few of them with whatever readers happen upon this blog. I'm not sure if it's the writer at the paper who is coming up with the wording or if it's the deceased's family who is submitting it, but whoever it is I find them utterly hilarious. I'm going to start with the more simple ones and lead up to the more egregious. Enjoy!

-"Mrs. Jane Doe went home to be with the Lord on Tuesday, etc. etc."

-"Ms. Jane Doe went home to be with her Saviour on Wednesday, etc. etc."

-"Mrs. Jane Doe was called home by her Lord and Saviour at Community Hospice of...."

-"Mr. Bob Doe went home to be with the Lord after He leant him to us for awhile...."

-"Mr. Jon "Bubba" Doe went to meet our Lord in the arms of angels..."

-"Mrs. Mary Doe, grandmother and servant of God, fell asleep in the arms of Jesus on Friday etc. etc."

-"Mr. Jonny Doe received his calling from the Almighty on Thursday..."

After reading stuff like this over the past few years I started considering how cool it would be if at some point in the future obituaries started using slang terms for death in their annoucements. For instance...

-"Mr. Jon Doe kicked the bucket at home on....."

-"Mrs. Jane Doe bought the farm after suffering a long illness on...."

-"Ms. Jane Doe bit the dust at Community Hospice Care on...."

-"Mr. Jimbo Doe keeled over from a heart attack at home on...."

Bill McGlaughlin

Bill McGlaughlin hosts two programs on National Public Radio, St. Paul Sunday and Exploring Music and he is the most pretentious, most annoying, most pseudo-elitist TURD that exists in the world of classical music. Not that the world of classical music is in any way short on pseudo-elitist turds, but McGlaughlin is one of the worst. On St. Paul Sunday he has young up-and-coming orchestral musicians on and he spends the hour pandering to these spoiled little rich kids to the point where one really wants to throw up. He's basically NPR's answer to James Lipton of Inside the Actor's Studio. McGlaughlin makes a big deal out of ridiculous incidents that occur in their 12 to 15 years of life and just makes these youngsters feel as if they are the most loved, most talented, most upwardly mobile beings on the planet, and they giggle and blush and tell sickeningly sweet stories that no one really gives a crap about. Exploring Music popped up on our local Public Radio station a couple years ago as a replacement for the long-running and infinitely better show Adventures in Good Music hosted by Dr. Karl Haas, who passed away a few years ago. The station ran repeat shows for a long time and then ruined my morning by sticking Exploring Music into the 11am time slot. Now I have to turn off NPR during this hour and put in a CD because I simply cannot stand listening to McGlaughlin's soft, dulcet-toned voice, his ultra-refined diction, and his pseudo-intellectual BS. Examples of this would be his pronunciation of composers' names. Take Bela Bartok for example. Most people would pronounce this great composer's name exactly as it sounds. But Bill McGlaughlin's simply too good and too educated for that. He has to say the name as "BAY-LA BAR-TUK"...but then in the next breath he will, without thinking, say the name just like everyone else does, revealing that he's only pronouncing it differently when he's actively INTENDING to pronounce it differently. What a complete fake. Another example is the word "jig". Every red-blooded American would say that word exactly as it sounds, but pseudo-Bill has to say "zheeg", as if he's just so worldly and experienced that he knows how to say the world properly where all the other commoners don't. And don't even get me started on Bach. Most folks simply say "BOCK". But Bill has to say good ol' Johann's last name as if he's hocking up a blob of phlegm: "BOCCCHHHHGGGGHHHH". Give us a break, Bill, you're not fooling anyone. I really wish NPR would dump this pompous, pretentious idiot and just re-run Adventures in Good Music with Karl Haas. I loved listening to Dr. Haas. His voice was powerful, experienced, and knowledegable without being pretentious or overly refined in diction. His was the voice of authority. Bill McGlaughlin's voice is the voice of...of...well, of complete and utter snobbery. And unfortunately, it's this snobbish, pretentious attitude that prevents a lot of average, everyday folk from ever experiencing the wonders of classical music.